What do I know?

I’ve only been accused of humility that one time. And it was wrong.

In fact, I go in between a few different moods. Usually, I need to keep myself in check to stay humble. I mean what do I have be proud of? I know I’m nothing remarkable, so it is quite ridiculous that I’d have so much vanity. Sometimes, it’s self-contempt that I’m battling. And very often, a bubbly sense of detachment – I’m not at all interested in my ‘self’ when this attitude triumphs. It is relieving: not being interested in who I am or how I am perceived because I know too well that it doesn’t matter. And through all of these passing sentiments, I do ask myself this question all the time: What do I know?

I considered being so very snobbish and calling this entry “Que sais-je?” as someone else famously asked this question repeatedly. The phrase is associated with Montaigne’s skepticism. In my head, though, it is wry and sarcastic, I’m rolling my eyes at myself when it echoes in my mind.

I’d be very bothered if someone asked me the question. I’d be tempted to reflect the question back at the inquisitor. Coming from myself, though, criticism is easier to take. And the person others are criticising, they have every right to do so. That girl is all so serious, thinks she knows how to best do anything, expects too much from others, can be very harsh and cruel, and sometimes barely hides her condescension. I don’t always recognise this person, though. Sometimes it really seems like a stranger.

I think I might know what this is about: persona. We inevitably wear our most acceptable masks in public. Kafka was talking about this when he wrote in his diary, “I was ashamed of myself when I realised life was a costume party and I attended with my real face.” I realised my struggle was along similar lines, I met so much resistance as I tried to peak through people’s masks. And I had so much shame when I realised what I was doing.

The masks may not be so bad after all. Maybe it is for the best of everyone. Society cannot handle a high dose of truth, as it is commonly observed. Neither the individual, I’ve been thinking recently. Least of all about ourselves and whatever makes up the basic foundation of our worldview. Poke that hole a little and you soon find out how intolerable people find you to be. Few like to be challenged this way. And it is often because they have stared into the abyss, too.

I also don’t think masks are necessarily ‘false’. They are a layer onto a layer, that hides an even deeper aspect of personality. I like the Jungian explanation of all this. One should be aware of their different personae, make them socially compatible. Not to say these are artificially manufactured, but they serve a purpose. The problem is when we start identifying or equating the self as one or some of these personae.

Maybe this is about hardening of what hits the surface. Like a candle that has just been snuffed out, socialising calls for cooling off and hardening some.

Just maybe.

Going back to epistemological qualms… I’m too much of a traditionalist to flirt with skepticism or relativism for too long. Truth may not be plain and simple, or easy to accept, but it exists. It is a question of our models (linguistic, scientific, etc.) and the range, scale, grain of the object of our claims. Knowledge is a relationship between the knower and the known, the subject and the object. After all, we have sense data and reasoning in our hands to make sense of our selves and the world. Any declaration relating to these things will be representative. Expecting perfection or exactness from these nourishes skepticism. Moreover, look too much into the first principles of any discipline and it quickly falls apart. These days this is done more professionally than perhaps ever.

So, I might not know much for sure. But I also bestow doubt choosily. A globally doubtful approach is hardly beneficial, or plausible. After all we all live on faith (or, if unquestioningly, on ignorance). It is just not everyone is aware of that or would accept it easily.

But, what do I know anyway?